By Pam Golden 

“Like a drop of water falling on a rock, daily messages of criticism gradually, imperceptibly leave a destructive effect on children.” – Thomas Gordon 

“The problem with you is you don’t enjoy your food! Why can’t you just chew it slowly instead of gulping it down?” Josie said to her 11-year-old son. 

What’s wrong with the picture?

It sounds so simple doesn’t it? Josie thought she was giving good, well-meaning advice – constructive criticism. Yet the effects of those small comments often left her son feeling humiliated, angry and resentful. As with most “constructive criticism,” Josie focused on what was wrong with her son. I call this “Storm Cloud Criticism” because, just like a storm can devastate a community, certain types of criticism can devastate your child’s self-esteem and motivation. 

Over time kids begin to see themselves as bad, irresponsible, thoughtless, dumb, inadequate, unloved, and even unlovable. This negative self-concept can carry into adulthood, crippling them for a lifetime. 

What to do instead – Give Gentle, Appealing Feedback

When you take a wrong turn while driving, the last thing you need is for someone to tell you how wrong you are. What you need is help getting on the right path with a method that is inviting. You can do that with what I call “Sunshine Feedback.”

When giving “Sunshine Feedback.” 

1. Start with a friendly beginning – how you start is usually how it ends. Instead of: “I’m tired of you wasting time watching television.” Try: “It looks like you’re really enjoying that show.”

2. Express your concern and ask for their ideas. Instead of: “You need to turn off television and do your homework now!” Try: ”I know you have homework tonight and I’m concerned you won’t get it done. When are you planning on doing it?”

3. Agree on a solution-what they come up with themselves they are way more likely to do. Instead of: “Alright, you said you’d get it done right after your television show, you better do it.” Try: “That sounds good, you’ll do your homework as soon as this show is over. Enjoy!”

4. Calmly follow-up: This may be the most critical step. When you take the time to calmly follow-up, your kids soon begin to take you at your word and they also begin to take their word seriously. If you let it slide, they begin to lose trust in you and in themselves. Instead of: “What’s the matter with you? You haven’t even started your homework and your show was finished ages ago.” Try: “I thought we agreed you’d do your homework right after your show. Can you get to it now?” OR Try: “You finished your homework right on schedule. That must feel good.”

5. Have a Happy Ending: How you end the encounter will linger and probably be how you start the next one.  No matter what happened, find a way to leave a sweet taste with both of you. If it’s gone well, say, “Thanks.” If it hasn’t gone well, you can say, something like, “Well. This didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped, but thanks for sticking in there. We’ll do better next time.” 

Also, did you know that one type of praise can produce self-defeating behavior and anxiety, while another can move your kids to positive action? Changing a few words can make a night and day difference in your child’s life. If you like to get started learning how to give praise that motivates positive action while building self-esteem and confidence in your child please download my FREE Report on “The Amazing Impact of Effective Praise” at: http://www.basiclifeskillsforchildren.com/amazingpraise 

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By Pinky Mcbanon 

A growing-up child should be able to develop their self-confidence since it is fundamental in helping them to becoming a complete and whole individual and what that is not afraid to strive for the very best in order to achieve their goals and aspirations in life. Clothing and food alone will not make your child have the confidence and courage. Instead, it is mainly factors that are non-physical such as spending time and encouragement that can help your child develop self-confidence.

Below are 4 tips to help your child gain self confidence.

1.    The children will absolutely look up to their mother and father as role models. Children mimic everything about their parents; from the way they talk, walk, behave as well as dressing and other ways. One example for this is that when they have misunderstandings or problems whether it is from work and or aspects. It is very important not to discuss negative problem-solving ideas in front of the child so that they will not inherit it.

2.    When helping your children with their studies or home work be sure not to spoon feed them. You can do some part of their assignments before explaining clearly enough for them to do it by themselves. Aside from that this will also help you keep tabs on your children’s ability to learn things which are very important when it comes to the child’s self-improvement and confidence.

3.    Make your kid gets involved in some form of sports especially team games. It is not only good to build upon their strengths physically but also able to add to the kid’s inertia or inner strength as well as self-esteem on believing in themselves. Aside from this,  it can also help them develop their camaraderie in one team and improving their sense of sportsmanship. It is also a way of making them learn how to accept defeat wherein they can stand up again and strive to do better in future.

4.    Next, always encourage them to meet new friends. It could either be your neighbors or new friends from the nearby park and such. It can help your child develop the self-confidence needed to socialize and to communicate. At the same time, it will also allow your child to display his/her talents when you organize fun-filled activities such as singing sessions or any talent-time among the kids in the neighborhood.

The above 4 tips, when practiced to the fullest, will go a long way in helping your child gain their self-confidence.

Pinky is a mom with 3 school children. A Systems Engineer, an Independent Medical Billing and Coding Consultant. Her blog focuses on stay-at-home moms, dads and students who wants to work at home, build homebased business or just browsing her blog with a lot of information to gain! Visit her useful blog at http://ezonlinebusiness.blogspot.com/ and website at http://www.mommyisworkingathome.com

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By Sarah Jane Keyser

If you are a parent of a child with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and you have big time problems with homework, explore these seven questions with your child to create the best environment for him or her to succeed.

Understanding how your child’s brain functions will help you find the strategies that work best.

When we are interested in something and are good at it, such as math or English, interest stimulates the brain and aids focusing. For people with ADHD the greater the passion the easier it is to pay attention. Kids who have an interest may be a walking encyclopedia for their favorite topic, like dinosaurs or basketball, but hopeless about school. The problems arise with subjects that are not interesting and may be particularly difficult for your child.

New research supports this experiential evidence.
Recent research has identified two separate areas in the brain which are used to focus attention. The parietal cortex reacts to external stimuli; the prefrontal cortex is active when you must choose what to pay attention to.

The prefrontal cortex is the brain part that is used for executive functions like deciding, planning and activating and is under active in ADHD. It is the last part of the brain to reach full maturity (that’s why Hertz and Avis don’t rent cars to people under age 25). Children with ADHD may be two to three years behind their age peers in mental maturity, but they do get there.

How can you use this information to help your child do his homework?
Your job, Mom and Dad, is to provide the environment that works for your child.

You do not want to do it for him or be dogmatic about how, where or when he should do his homework. But you do need to provide more structure and organizational assistance than for other children of his age.

Talk and explore with her to discover what kind of stimulation works best to help her brain stay focused, every child is different. Your goal is to provide en environment which provides the right stimulation for her unique brain.

Seven questions for you to explore.
1. When does he work best? He probably needs some exercise and a snack after school before settling down to do homework. A snack should include some protein for fuel for the brain.

2. Where does he work best? Does he work best alone in his room with no distractions or does he work better in an open area with some noise and movement around to provide stimulation? Does background music of his choosing help him stay on task?

3. Does he need to move often? Let him work in small chunks and take a short break to jump a bit between chunks. Explore using a rocking chair or a rubber ball seat.

4. Is he an aural or visual learner? Our modern world is expressed mostly through visual media, but some people learn better aurally. If your child is an aural learner have him work out loud recording his lessons on a tape recorder.

5. Is he a verbal or a graphic learner? Some children work better with pictures than with words. Let him use his creativity to illustrate his lessons with pictures cut from old magazines or his own drawings. Provide colored pens and highlighters to make his notes stimulating to look at.

6. Does he have a problem with time? Many people with ADHD have an elastic sense of time. Have your child practice measuring the time he needs to do each assignment. Prepare a chart on which he can record estimated time, start time, end time, elapsed time, and the difference from estimated time for each assignment.

7. Does he have difficulty starting? Some children with ADHD see tasks as one big overwhelming cloud. They need help finding where to begin. Talk with him about the steps he needs to accomplish starting with very simple actions like open your book, read the first problem.

Most important! Enjoy! Have fun!
Tell a silly joke before he starts or when he takes a break. This may sound paradoxical, but laughing lowers the stress level for you and your child.

Courage! Graduation will be here sooner than you think.
Sarah Jane Keyser worked for many years with computers as grammar, analyst, and user trainer, but her struggle with inattentive ADD kept getting in the way of her plans and dreams. Once ADD was identified and the great need that coaching filled, she added ADD Coach training to complete her preparation for a new career as ADD Coach.

For a free coaching session, contact me at skeyser@bluewin.ch. Learn more about ADHD at http://www.CoachingKeytoADD.com or sign up for Zebra Stripes, a free E-zine for ADHD at http://www.coachingkeytoadd.com/newsletter/newsarchive.html.
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