by Patti McMann

Everyone has their own idea of the qualities of a true friend. He or she is loyal, honest, supportive, and cares about our well being. A true friend also respects us as people. Not all friends have these and other good qualities. Some friends are toxic.

Vivian and Ridley met when they were both in college. Both were non-traditional students, each entering college to finish her education and prepare to reenter the workforce. They had many things in common. They had shared some of the same experiences, and had a lot of the same ideas and attitudes. They became close friends, and over the next six years, they did things together, listened to each other’s problems and triumphs, and supported each other.

It sounds like the perfect friendship, but as time moves forward, there are many things that Ridley has found about Vivian that she can’t stand. Vivian makes Ridley feel bad about herself because she doesn’t have as much income as Vivian does; she can’t afford to get professional personal care or travel as often as Vivian can. She can’t do or doesn’t want to do many of the things that Vivian does. Vivian’s actions and words make Ridley feel inferior.

“Vivian is always complaining, and nothing is good enough for her,” says Ridley. “She talks non-stop. She either copies or tries to copy almost everything I have or do. My words, ideas, mannerisms, even my medical conditions. She changes the facts in her life to match my experiences. She is interested in talking only about herself, and if I change the subject, she changes it right back to her. She always has to outdo me in everything, and she openly competes with me. She makes little things and problems so much bigger than they actually are, and she embarrasses me in front of other people. She treats me like a child and tells me what to do. She is always so negative.”

Ridley found herself starting to make sarcastic comments back to Vivian, and that made her feel worse. It was at that point that she realized that she must take control of her part in the friendship, and that she needs to stop being so passive. Ridley now sees that being friends with Vivian is harmful to her health, and to her emotional and spiritual well-being. “Talking to Vivian about how she treats me and how it makes me feel hasn’t helped,” says Ridley. “I plan to move back to Virginia where my family is to get away from her.”

Friendships like Vivian and Ridley’s are considered toxic friendships. The toxic friend in the friendship is the person that is eroding the self-esteem and undermining the confidence of the other person by being a bully, a copycat, a one-upper, self-absorbed, negative, or by exercising any of the other toxic friend behaviors.

In his article “Toxic Friends” Tim Shipman identifies several types of toxic friends:

Passive-Aggressive Underminer – uses personal knowledge to subtly undermine the other person
The Naysayer - dismisses the other persons hopes and dreams as unrealistic
The Peer Pressurer – imposes her need for fun over the other person’s best interest
The Plan Breaker – unreliable and ditches plans at the last minute
The SOB Sister – whines all the time zapping the energy of the other person
The Constant Talker – hogs the conversation and demands to be the center of attention
The Drama Queen – elevates every minor setback into a major crisis

In the Vivian-Ridley friendship, Vivian fits several of the toxic-friend types.

In another example of a toxic friendship, Loretta and Pam met when they both worked as registered nurses at the same hospital. At first the friendship was good. Four years into the friendship, Pam started asking Loretta for advice more often than usual. Loretta willingly gave it, but regretted it after she found out that Pam was following her advice but only after soliciting the same advice from other people and then giving the other people the credit for providing it. “It really hurt me that she didn’t think enough of me to follow the advice when I gave it to her, but when someone else gave her the same advice, she followed it and proudly announced that she followed the advice that Jane Doe gave her,” says Loretta. “She never mentioned that I had given her the same advice or that I gave it to her first.” Pam has since moved to another state, and Loretta rarely speaks to her.

A toxic friend isn’t always a bad person. Unless she is told otherwise, she might not even know that her actions are affecting other people negatively. She might think that her actions are acceptable. It is difficult to talk to a toxic friend about the issues that are causing the friendship to sour, but it needs to be done if there is any chance that the friendship can be saved. Most toxic friendships do break up, and the termination of the friendship is better than staying in a friendship that isn’t healthy. If a friendship makes a person feel bad, he or she should put distance in the friendship or get out of it completely. Friendship should be mutual trust, loyalty, caring, support and concern for the other person. If those components are missing, it isn’t a healthy or true friendship.

© Copyright 2007 Patti McMann. All rights reserved.Patti McMann is a freelance writer. She writes on a variety of topics for print and electronic publications. She has a diverse background in many subjects, and majored in business, marketing, and information technology. She is the author of the popular eBook “Diabetes: A Beginner’s Guide to the Basics.” Visit her website at http://www.pattimcmann.com

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By Matthew J James

No matter what stage in life you’re at, it isn’t always easy to make new friends. Whilst at school, college or university, making friends is relatively easy, even for shy people, as people are of a similar age, with fairly similar interests, in the same location. However, making friends later on in life can be much more difficult. There may be colleagues at work, people you know at the gym, somebody you walk past every day, acquaintances in the pub, but how many of these are your real friends? How many would you trust with a secret, or a problem? For people who have moved away to a new town, or whose relationship circumstances have changed, having to make new friends can be a daunting prospect. Following these suggestions can help make finding new friends a bit easier.

1) Do something! Don’t stay in waiting for new friends to suddenly appear. They won’t. Sign up for an evening course and you could learn a new language, become a wine expert, improve your cooking skills, or make better use of your computer in just a few weeks. Find a gym, play sports at a sports centre or at a local pitch, join a film club, learn to dance, take up a martial art, or do voluntary work. Go on the works night out, anything rather than spend another night in front of the TV.

2) If you can’t find a hobby or a social activity that interests you, why not see if there’s a Friendly Society or Friendship Club nearby. These are a great way of meeting people, and can be invaluable if you have moved to a new town, and don’t know anybody. As well as like minded people, these clubs offer many social activities and social group events which can range from quiz nights at a local pub, to foreign travel, and may include special offers on such products as medical insurance.

3) Although easier said than done, try not to be shy when meeting people for the first time, even though you may feel you lack confidence. When you are in a social situation, aim to make the first move, and other shy people will be glad you broke the ice. Remember to listen more than you talk as people usually like to talk about themselves, so give them the opportunity, but don’t talk about yourself unless asked. Ask plenty of questions but nothing too personal or controversial. You can ask them how they got to be invited, or how they know the host, about their job, about their hobbies, music, film and TV tastes and more. Be yourself, and try not to change just to fit in. Accept that you won’t like everyone you talk to, and not everyone will like you.

4) You may be able to tell a little about a person from the way they dress, or from what they are carrying. If somebody is carrying a camera, listening to a portable music player, reading a book or magazine, walking a dog, or pushing a pram, you might have something else to talk about.

5) Try to ask open questions such as “What do you think of …?” rather than “Do you like …?” as they require a more detailed answer, and encourage conversation. Questions that require a Yes or No answer don’t make for an easy conversation.

6) Like minded people can often become friends. If you’ve always wanted to do something different, or take up a new activity, this could be the ideal time. From abseiling to zoology, there’s bound to be a local club or society that you can join. For example, if you play a musical instrument, why not visit a local music shop and see if you can find a band to join, or musicians to play with. If you’re an avid reader, why not join a book club. Volunteer work can be very rewarding if you have the free time. If you’re an animal lover, there may be an animal rescue centre that you could help out. Cycle shops will often have information about local routes and the local cycling club. Getting to know your neighbours can also be an easy way to make friends.

7) You can also make friends online using social media sites or chat rooms. However, these types of friendships are not usually the same as real life friendships. You might have a great time talking to someone in a foreign country who likes the same music and films as you do, but this friend probably won’t be able to give you a lift if your car won’t start.

Once you’ve made friends, don’t forget to get a phone number or email address, and be positive! Contact your new friend, but don’t be put out if they are too busy or unable to meet you for a while. Remember not to seem clingy or desperate. If you have the opportunity to make more friends, then do so, don’t feel like you have to rely on just one person.

9) Being an honest, dependable and trustworthy person and not divulging too much about yourself or other people is important. People value loyalty and punctuality too, so treat other people as you would like to be treated. If you turn up late, and start divulging secrets, repeating rumours or spreading gossip, people will be less likely to be friendly towards you, and may not trust you again.

10) As well as the good times like going out for a drink, or to a gig, you should be prepared to help out when a friend really needs your help. Whether a shoulder to cry on, a late night lift home, or advice, friends should be reliable and there might be a time when you have to be a real friend to someone who needs you.

Finding a good friend won’t happen overnight, and you will probably need to work at maintaining friendships. Sometimes a friend won’t be able to see you for a while, and sometimes that friend will want to see you daily. Some people need time to themselves, and others don’t.

Remember your old friends can still be contacted by phone or email even if you no longer live near them. As well as phone calls and emails, why not make a special effort to see them once in a while and make a weekend or a holiday out of it.

Friendships can last a lifetime, and there are plenty of people who still keep in touch with people who are thousands of miles away. Get out there, find yourself some new friends and have a hectic social life!

Joining Oddfellows is the ideal way of making friends and enjoying a wide range of social activities suitable for young people and older people looking for friendship.

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