By Melinda Elliott

I’ll be honest – until a few years ago I thought I was right most of the time. And not just about my life, but about what was best for others. I was humbled when I finally I stepped back and really listened to other people’s ideas – I realized that while my conclusions and solutions might be right for me, they often weren’t right for them.

In my first coaching class we were taught to “stay in curiosity”; to simply ask questions without drawing conclusions or trying to guide others to “see it our way”. This was a rude awakening for many of the students in the class – we’d come to coaching because we felt we had wisdom to share. What I learned was that people’s thoughts, perceptions and conclusions often had no resemblance to my own, and what I thought was right for them was often flat out wrong.

Staying in curiosity isn’t just for coaches. Staying in curiosity will help you be a better partner, parent, boss, co-worker or team member. Learning to stay open with others is powerful for both you and them – you have the benefit of learning about others, and they have the treat of being really listened to with respect and openness.

Try these 5 tips for staying in curiosity:
1. Don’t assume that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling.
It’s true that when you’ve known someone a long time you might have a good idea about what’s going on with them. But what’s key here is that you might not. You might have been making incorrect assumptions about them for years! And we all change, what was true about someone yesterday might not be true today.

2. Listen
So often when someone is talking to us we are mentally crafting our replies, evaluating what they are saying, or, sometimes, we might even be off composing our grocery list.

To really listen:

3. Don’t provide solutions or give advice
Ouch! We all love to provide our insights to others, especially when we think we can help. And we may even be right some of the time! However, the fact is that all of us are much more inspired by solutions we design ourselves than those provided by others. There’s a great deal of value to be gained by going through the process of figuring out what to do; we learn more about ourselves, the situation we are in, and how to succeed when we seek our own solutions.

4. Avoid soothing
It can be uncomfortable to listen to other’s hurts and problems; we want to make their sorrow go away. Sometimes we try to sooth others with statements like “Everything will be ok.” Or we inadvertently invalidate other’s feelings with comments like “I know you’re sad your best friend moved away, but you’ll find other friends.” As hard as it is, it’s a wonderful gift to someone to just be there for them when they’re in pain, and listen to them work though it without trying to fix things or make the hurt go away.

5. Stay curious
As people talk to you, get curious about what they are experiencing. The best curious questions are short and simple and are directed at the speaker’s current experience and feelings. Some examples of curious questions – “How do you feel about what she said?”, “What’s the most stressful aspect of this situation?” or “What’s your biggest concern?” Notice that none of the questions attempt to lead the speaker to a solution, they just allow space for them to process their experience.

Staying open when listening to others isn’t easy. I still find myself dishing out unasked for advice, or cutting people off when I think I know what they are going to say. But really being curious is a lovely gift to give to others, and you’ll be surprised what you can learn when you aren’t stuck in your own preconceptions.

Test your knowledge of curious questions below. Identify whether each question or comment is:
A) Disguised advice B) Curious C) Soothing
1. Are you sure you don’t want to do it this way?
2. I know it was bad, but it will be better tomorrow!
3. How did you react when he said that to you?
4. Oh don’t say that – you know it isn’t true!
5. What is important about this?
6. Do you think you should tell your manager?

Answers: 1 A, 2 C, 3 B, 4 C, 5 B, 6 A

© Melinda Elliott 2008
Melinda Elliott is a certified Life Coach who works with people to achieve the life they want. Through coaching, Melinda can help you leverage your strengths, smash your roadblocks, and create the life you’re dreaming of. For more information or to request a free Sample Session, visit http://www.melindaelliottcoaching.com
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By Michael Jeffreys

Effective communication involves several different aspects. Although verbal communication is the most common way that people correspond, there are many other specific characteristics involved in the interaction. Let’s take listening, for instance. If someone is talking to another person, but the other person is distracted and isn’t really ‘hearing’ what the speaker is saying, then communication is ineffective. Many people think that listening is simple, but it actually takes skill and practice in order to perfect it. No one is a born listener. A listener has to search for specific clues from a speaker. Verbal communication is often accentuated by body language, eye contact and paraphrasing and good listeners have to recognize when a speaker is using these characteristics to get their point across.

Sometimes body language says a lot more than words do when it comes to verbal communication. A person may claim to be listening to what someone is saying to them, but if the listener is bored or distracted while the other person is talking to them, then it will be quite obvious. The listener may appear to stare into space, not comment at appropriate times or may not even comment at all. However, being a good listener does not always involve commenting on what the speaker is saying. Sometimes it’s not necessary for an individual to utter a single word in order to be considered an avid listener. In certain situations during verbal communication, the person speaking may be satisfied with the eye contact, head shakes, murmurs or the facial expressions of the listener. Body language is an essential part of communication and often determines the effectiveness of the verbal interaction.

Another extremely important aspect of verbal communication is eye contact. Eye contact is the perfect way to get someone’s attention without using verbal communication. It’s subtle yet effective. It doesn’t matter if the people involved in the conversation are complete strangers, if the communication is to be effective; eye contact is a necessary part of the conversation. Without eye contact, two people can’t connect on an emotional level, which makes the interaction useless. For example, how would a psychiatric patient feel if the psychiatrist never looked at them?

Paraphrasing is also essential during verbal communication. Paraphrasing is repeating what a person has just stated, although using a summarized version. The use of paraphrasing allows the speaker to accentuate specific and highly important portions of a conversation. It is often used to clarify direction or confirm agreement among all of the parties communicating. Paraphrasing is very useful to a listener, as well, because it allows the listener to key into specifically what the speaker believes are the most important portions of the topic they are discussing.

Communicating one’s feelings is as much a learned skill as being a good listener. Some people have a difficult time properly expressing their feelings, which could adversely affect the verbal communication process by creating miscommunication and misunderstanding. No one is a mind reader. If a person only offers a listener partial information then there will undoubtedly be trouble at the end of the communication road.

There are two critical aspects to effective communication; properly expressing one’s feeling to avoid misunderstandings and effective listening. If either of these keys to successful communication is missing, then the interaction won’t go smoothly and there will be problems. Make sure that you are both a good listener and a good communicator.

Michael Jeffreys is the president of Seminars on DVD, a premiere provider of video based training for businesses and individuals, featuring renowned experts and speakers. Learn more at: http://www.SeminarsOnDVD.com
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By Dr. Jackie Black

A minor disagreement can get out of hand very quickly or a simple conversation can suddenly turn into a shouting match.

Why?
Because your fear of being abandoned, or disappointing your partner makes itself the primary consideration in the conversation.

Hearing another person’s opinion or point of view can trigger the feeling of being invalidated, and for many people, it’s a signal that ridicule, criticism or judgment is on the way!

Good communication is telling your truth about YOU to others and being congruent — within yourself.
Being congruent is a process in which you value yourself; you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings, and your resources and choices; honor and express your deepest knowing about yourself and be sure that what you say and how you say it match what you are feeling.
vThere are three major reasons that men and women don’t communicate effectively.

First and foremost, most people do not identify their feelings accurately.

Secondly, it is very difficult for most people to find the right words to express how they feel.

Lastly, if they do know how they feel and if they have a few words to accurately express how they feel, most lack the courage to let anybody know.

Does this sound like you or others you know? Identifying your feelings, finding the right words to express your feelings and mustering the courage to actually express your feelings to another person really isn’t so complicated.

Don’t avoid saying what is in your heart or on your mind to say.
Don’t hide your worries because you don’t want your partner to know that you are not in control.

Don’t hide your hopes and dreams because you are afraid no one will share your excitement.

When you stay emotionally intelligent and emotionally available the lines of communication stay open. Create a safe and supportive place to tell each other the truth mindfully, responsibly and respectfully and always remember that the foundation of your relationship is built on good will and good intention.

Remember, only You can make it happen!

Copyright Dr. Jackie Black 2008
This article may be re-published with appropriate attribution to the author including name, web site, and email address.
If you like this article and would like to take advantage of more sage relationship advice, please click on the author link above where you can read Dr. Jackie’s Extended Author Bio.
Dr. Jackie is the author of Meeting Your Match (http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~39827.aspx) – Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships written to support men and women who are committed to learning and practicing essential relationship success skills.
Dr. Jackie Black:http://www.drjackieblack.com/
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By Richard Mclaughlin

Workplace Communication
As the example above should show, you have to contact every member of your team regularly. How often is regular? Often enough that they feel comfortable with you. Communication can be email, telephone, a face-to-face visit, or a text message on a cell phone. It can also be a hand written message delivered through office mail. I used to ask people in my company that were going to the country where my team members were to deliver something. Anything. A baseball cap with the company logo and something written in French, accompanied by a signed note.

Invent opportunities to get your team together.
This works best when it is the entire team, but if you can only do parts, make sure that the people that don’t attend the first meeting do get to attend the second. I had 3 of a 5 person team traveling one seek and they were all passing through Munich. One of my team members worked in Munich. I sent the 4th person, from the UK, to Munich and had everyone stay for a one-day meeting that I could not attend. I was there by phone and videoconference, but was not able to be there in person. The team found this to be one of the most productive meetings, I suppose because they could easily mute me and talk “behind my back” before coming up with a collective answer. This also did wonders for the team building trust in each other.

At any meeting, encourage team members to share difficulties and successes. I always brought up that I am and American in France, I have language issues like they do. I told of operations that I had. I have physical problems like some did. Try very hard to make sure your team knows that you are not a faultless person, part of the trust that you gain will come from honest and open communication.

Keep everyone up to date and aware of what is expected of him or her. Don’t let any of them feel they are ‘remote’. An essential element of your communication plan is…

Regular conference calls
I hate conference calls. But they are important for the team. If you have a team spread across countries, keep up to date on the working hours and holidays in the different countries. In France, calling a meeting after 7 in the evening is bad. In Holland, calling a meeting after 5 is considered bad.

National holidays differ. Use Microsoft Outlook, they have a feature that lets you choose to list different country and religious holidays. Take extra care when dealing with religious holidays.

Learn when your team has their weekend. There are some countries that don’t have the Saturday and Sunday weekend. I was part of a team that called a meeting every Friday afternoon. Certain people on that call (who attended every call) were on their weekend. When I was asked to host the call for a month I set it for Sunday afternoon. There were a lot of people that didn’t want to attend the weekend call, but after that odd month we never had a Friday call again.

Publish a schedule of calls, make them at the same time and day so that your team can build a schedule around them. Conference calls need to be run like any other meetings but with stronger control. Have an agenda and stick to it. Don’t let the conversation drift, be careful about people that are native language speakers and tend to talk a lot. Repeat in appropriate terms any comment that may be confusing to people who don’t speak the main language of the call.

Use video conferencing when you can. There are new products that focus on the speaker; very useful. At the beginning and end of a video call make sure to go around the virtual table and ask everyone to speak. This gives everyone at least 2 chances to speak up.

Cultural Differences
Be very aware of cultural differences. Some cultures don’t say no, or find it hard to say no. Different cultures have different expectations of the managers. Even when you have a common language, some things are understood differently in different parts of the world.

Conclusion
Building trust is the most important aspect of managing a virtual or remote team. Cultural differences will possibly bring up the greatest trust issues and you really have to work on these.

Make sure that you have developed a sense of rapport with each member of your team before a group meeting, if possible. I have twice been made manager of groups, and no one except me was aware of the change until we were in a group meeting. If this happens, make sure you are as short and to the point as you can be, and use that first meeting to schedule time with each person on your team before the meeting has ended.

Visit Richard McLaughlin (http://richardmclaughlin.biz/)
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Congress authorized the Vietnam Veterans Memorial to be constructed in the Constitution Gardens of Washington, D.C., on July 1, 1980.

That fall a contest, open to United States citizens over eighteen, was announced to find a design for the memorial. A jury of eight anonymous artists voted on the 1,421 entries submitted. The winner was, then twenty-one year old college student, Maya Ying Lin of Ohio.

Ground was formally broken on March 26, 1982, with the life-sized sculpture of the servicemen, designed by Frederick Hart, being installed in the fall of 1984. Once it had been completed, President Ronald Regan formally accepted the memorial on behalf of the nation on November 11, 1984.

In 1979, when the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund Inc. decided to petition for a memorial, they set out four criteria: the monument had to be reflective and contemplative, it had to blend with its surrounding, it had to contain the names of all those who died or were missing, and finally it could make no political statement about the war.

The design Maya Ying Lin came up with did all those things. On the polished black granite of the monument are the 58,209 names of those who died during the war, listed in order from the first casualty to the last. Included in this number are the names of the 1,150 people who were not confirmed dead and were listed as missing and unaccounted for at the end of the war.

Those confirmed dead have a diamond placed by their name on the wall. Those who were reported missing bear a cross next to their name. If they return alive, a circle is placed around the cross to symbolize life. If their remains are returned or their death is confirmed, a diamond is placed around the cross.

Visitors leave thousands of mementos and flowers at the memorial each year as a remembrance to those who are gone or missing. Every night members of the National Park Service collect the mementos left and deliver them to the Smithsonian Museum who displays them on a rotating basis in the National History Museum.

Did you know?

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